Here we are at the beginning of another year. 2018 was supposed to be a stellar year for me because of my birthday magic – I turned 48 on 8/8/18. Bought my 8 lottery tickets and everything but alas, no millions here. Overall, it was a great year, though.
I have so much to celebrate and be grateful for, the most important of all being the health, happiness and success of my three children. They continually boggle my mind with their kindness, insight and focus on developing their individual talents. Pride in one’s children is the best gift of all.
I took a Hiatus for the Holidays, hoping the creative genies would reappear but instead those nasty black gnomes of depression showed up again. Not until Boxing Day at least, so I enjoyed a wonderful Christmas with my family. But they showed up with a vengeance, planting their little fish hooks all over me and pulling me down into their abyss.
Depression is a vicious predator. It doesn’t just affect the person suffering but emanates throughout a household. You can ‘fake it til you make it’ as much as you wish but everyone feels the cloud. Then, of course, you can add depression’s nasty cousin, guilt, to the mix as well.
Even knowing intellectually that the depression is either hormonal (perimenopause is a freaking blast, isn’t it? If I tear up at one more stupid commercial…😭🙄) or MS-related, thereby completely out of my control, doesn’t alleviate the guilt.
However, brooding on either isn’t going to help anything. So, I’m allowing myself the space to feel whatever I’m going to feel and trying to keep to myself as much as possible, without being a total hermit. I do one thing a day to feel productive, and call it good.
One day, one minute at a time
The black gnomes of depression
pierce me all over
Their fish hooks tug me down
Snarling and giggling gleefully
with the ogres of fatigue
Pulling from the depths
with their leaden anchors
They all swirl together toward
The dark pit in the centre
Nauseating boiling ice
Numbing everything
But despair and guilt
Waking me in the night
Marrying the pain
The soles of my feet peeled like carrots
The tops shrieking, spasming
The ankles stabbing
Praying for sleep
Praying for release
Praying for me
I’m still struggling but I’m thinking of the parable of the mule in the well that I read the other day. Hmmm…should I be worried that I’m relating to a jackass? 😜 This article from Patch does a much better job of telling it than I can right now.
Shake it off and step up : THE WISE OLD MULE – An Inspiring Parable That Can Improve Your Life!
The Mule in the Well parable – Shake it off and step up
I hope 2019 has gotten off to great start for you. If not, take those small steps up out of the darkness every day. It may not feel like it, but things will get better if you keep fighting the fight.
I send you all my best wishes for a happy, healthy and pain-free new year.
❤️ Amanda
Other mental health posts I’ve written:
Not so sunshiny days- Depression and awareness
Walk a Myelin* My Shoes 
i could feel the words you typed, very well done.
wishing a 2019 full of smiles for you 🙂
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thanks Wendi. And to you! 💕
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My pleasure……….Bless you!
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Oh Amanda, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this right now. As you said, you can know intellectually what’s causing the depression but it doesn’t make you feel any better. I hope you start to see some glimmers of light soon. Wishing you many blessings for this upcoming year.
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Thanks so much Terri. Hugs to you!
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Great post. Happy new year. From someone who has suffered from depression, its a bitch xxxx
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Thank you!
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Just treat yourself like you would treat your best friend, don’t judge, just love yourself and be kind to yourself. Do what you can do…let go the other stuff!
You are good enough exactly as you are. Xx
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Thank you!! 💕💕💕
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I’m so sorry depression has been so rough for you lately. I’ve been there as well so I empathize. I haven’t heard the parable of the donkey in the well, but now I’m going to have to read it! I hope that the depression starts to ease up soon, and that your 2019 only goes upward from here!
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Thanks so much Maya. I had never heard it either but it’s very effective. I hope you find it helpful too. Only up from here! All the best to you!! 💕
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So sorry you are dealing with depression again. This is the toughest part of the year. You have a blogging “family” who cares about you and is rooting for you!
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Thanks so much Laurie, that means a lot!! 💕
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I have a friend who is experiencing this kind of depression as well. I hope you feel better soon. One of the things I’ve learned over time is the ability to overcome depression by helping others. I like volunteering at food banks or meal kitchens. I have found that when I am focusing on others the suffering subsides a bit. I have also found that reading helps. Anything to get the mind on something else. I wish you well on your journey this year. 2019 will be another great year! – Dave
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Thanks Dave. I really appreciate your comment. The idea of volunteering is a great one but with my ms symptoms, it makes it pretty impossible. The sensory symptoms make being anywhere busy intolerable for any length of time. Reading is my go-to for sure. I’m finding that staying busy, as much as my body will let me, is helping curb that overwhelming feeling of dread and awfulness, so I’m getting things done – the house is in great shape! 😂 Anyway, yes, I am determined that 2019 will turn around and be a great year. Thanks so much and all the best to you! 💕
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Awesome!! Good for you.
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Insightful and powerful. Thank you for sharing😊
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Thank you! 💕
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