Permission to Rest: Letting Go of Guilt and the Burden Myth

Why do we feel like we have to earn the right to breathe?

One of the biggest struggles I had after diagnosis was letting myself rest without the constant inner soundtrack of “I should do more, I’m being lazy, Why can’t I just push through?” It was crazy making.

This struggle to rest without guilt is not unique to the chronic illness community, it’s a cultural epidemic.

How We Got Here: Productivity=Worth

From the time we’re children, we’re conditioned to tie our value to our productivity. It’s how the capitalist wheels keep turning.

This is reinforced constantly through media, marketing, and cultural attitudes. We didn’t realize it was happening, it’s just the way things are.

So everyone within the system is wired to believe that resting is selfish, lazy, or a sign that you’re a failure.

The Gender Layer

Generations of women have been proving their worth through domestic labour while the men had the “important” job of earning money.

Despite women now entering the workforce equally, the scales haven’t balanced.

Women are still managing most of the thousands of details that go into running a home and raising children. A lot of it is the invisible labour of managing birthdays, extended families, school activities, medical appointments, grocery lists, etc, etc, etc.

We take it on because we feel that it won’t get done otherwise. Often that’s true.

Husbands don’t think about it because they’re watching the football game, out on the golf course, or snacking on cheesies on the couch you just vacuumed.

This isn’t to bash on the husbands (okay, maybe a little), or to glorify the ability of women to multitask (though we do kick ass), but it is the way our society is set up.

What is the cost? Women make up 80% of autoimmune diseases. Our bodies are literally screaming at us, and often we don’t listen until they conk out completely. Ask me how I know.

We’re conditioned to abandon our own needs to act in the service of others from the time we’re tiny. We’re raised to be good daughters, nice friends, perfect mothers. Taking five minutes to think about our own needs means we’re being selfish.

When Chronic Illness Forces the Issue

When this plays out in the context of chronic illness, where you simply can’t fulfill the all the functions you used to push yourself through, you feel guilty. Then guilt turns to shame. And you feel like a burden.

Shifting gears and stepping off the hamster wheel of capitalism is a blow to the ego. It takes some serious recalibration of your mindset.

The guilt doesn’t just switch off. We can rewrite the script though.

Reclaiming Your Inherent Worth

We all need to claim a new role, women and men alike.

Women don’t have value because they clean the house and cook dinner and hold down a full-time job.

Men don’t have value because they bring home a paycheque and know how to fix the lawnmower.

Every single human on the planet has value and worth just because they’re here. Period. Full stop.

Nothing needs to be proven or earned, it’s just a fact. You have value because you are.

You matter, your needs matter, and we all need to rest.

What Real Rest Actually Looks Like

Binging three seasons of Shrinking, or scrolling Instagram for two hours is not rest.

Neither is folding laundry while chatting to your best friend.

True rest is stilling your body and letting your mind wander.

Stare out a window, watch the leaves dance in the trees. Stare at your toes and daydream.

Five minutes a day can make a huge difference.

It takes practice. Your mind will want to go over your to-do list, or snark at you that you’re lazy.

Claim your time. Fight for it. It’s an investment in yourself that will pay off 1000x in the future.

If you want to read more about the necessity of resting, check out this article in Psychology Today.

Rest is not a reward for finishing everything. As if that’s even possible.

Resting is your superpower.

Rest. You deserve it.

❤️ Amanda