The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.
-Socrates
I’m working on something new so keeping my posts short these days. This needs no explanation, and from a reasonably reliable source 😉, so I’ll just leave it there.
I know that optimism is not at odds with wisdom. It’s quite the opposite. I think of cynicism as cool but lazy, while hope is desperately uncool – it has sweaty palms and an earnest smile on its face. What I know to be true is that one hopeful person will accomplish more than a hundred cynics. Why? Because the hopeful person will try.
Why do we feel like we have to earn the right to breathe?
One of the biggest struggles I had after diagnosis was letting myself rest without the constant inner soundtrack of “I should do more, I’m being lazy, Why can’t I just push through?” It was crazy making.
This struggle to rest without guilt is not unique to the chronic illness community, it’s a cultural epidemic.
How We Got Here: Productivity=Worth
From the time we’re children, we’re conditioned to tie our value to our productivity. It’s how the capitalist wheels keep turning.
This is reinforced constantly through media, marketing, and cultural attitudes. We didn’t realize it was happening, it’s just the way things are.
So everyone within the system is wired to believe that resting is selfish, lazy, or a sign that you’re a failure.
The Gender Layer
Generations of women have been proving their worth through domestic labour while the men had the “important” job of earning money.
Despite women now entering the workforce equally, the scales haven’t balanced.
Women are still managing most of the thousands of details that go into running a home and raising children. A lot of it is the invisible labour of managing birthdays, extended families, school activities, medical appointments, grocery lists, etc, etc, etc.
We take it on because we feel that it won’t get done otherwise. Often that’s true.
Husbands don’t think about it because they’re watching the football game, out on the golf course, or snacking on cheesies on the couch you just vacuumed.
This isn’t to bash on the husbands (okay, maybe a little), or to glorify the ability of women to multitask (though we do kick ass), but it is the way our society is set up.
What is the cost? Women make up 80% of autoimmune diseases. Our bodies are literally screaming at us, and often we don’t listen until they conk out completely. Ask me how I know.
We’re conditioned to abandon our own needs to act in the service of others from the time we’re tiny. We’re raised to be good daughters, nice friends, perfect mothers. Taking five minutes to think about our own needs means we’re being selfish.
When Chronic Illness Forces the Issue
When this plays out in the context of chronic illness, where you simply can’t fulfill the all the functions you used to push yourself through, you feel guilty. Then guilt turns to shame. And you feel like a burden.
Shifting gears and stepping off the hamster wheel of capitalism is a blow to the ego. It takes some serious recalibration of your mindset.
The guilt doesn’t just switch off. We can rewrite the script though.
Reclaiming Your Inherent Worth
We all need to claim a new role, women and men alike.
Women don’t have value because they clean the house and cook dinner and hold down a full-time job.
Men don’t have value because they bring home a paycheque and know how to fix the lawnmower.
Every single human on the planet has value and worth just because they’re here. Period. Full stop.
Nothing needs to be proven or earned, it’s just a fact. You have value because you are.
You matter, your needs matter, and we all need to rest.
What Real Rest Actually Looks Like
Binging three seasons of Shrinking, or scrolling Instagram for two hours is not rest.
Neither is folding laundry while chatting to your best friend.
True rest is stilling your body and letting your mind wander.
Stare out a window, watch the leaves dance in the trees. Stare at your toes and daydream.
Five minutes a day can make a huge difference.
It takes practice. Your mind will want to go over your to-do list, or snark at you that you’re lazy.
Claim your time. Fight for it. It’s an investment in yourself that will pay off 1000x in the future.
If you want to read more about the necessity of resting, check out this article in Psychology Today.
Rest is not a reward for finishing everything. As if that’s even possible.
You’d think the hardest part of getting an MS diagnosis would be the crushing fatigue and slushy brain fog that made me feel like a 90 year old who lived on Happy Meals and never exercised. Instead, it was the grueling mental gymnastics of unfair expectations and disappointment in myself. I wasn’t just fighting MS, I was fighting myself.
I was a slave to the push-crash cycle and I couldn’t even see it. On the hard days, I’d feel worthless for not even being able to cook dinner. On the good days, I’d clean the house, weed the garden, bake cookies, cook dinner and exercise like I was still 25. Then, shocker, I’d end up in bed for two weeks.
It was a brutal case of identity whiplash. The grief of not being able to teach anymore, paired with the loss of identity tied to productivity that is so valued in our culture. It sucked. Big time.
I was walking my favourite beach, hosting the world’s worst pity party when the light finally turned on. I was exhausting myself more by trying to remain the same person, by resisting the change my body was begging for. It wasn’t about letting the MS win, it was respecting that my body was trying to tell me something and I needed to listen if I was ever going to feel better.
Three qualities I developed over time that changed the game and got me on the right track were patience, self-compassion and consistency.
Patience
I replaced the moaning, impatient soundtrack of unfairness with a simple sentence: It took a long time to get this sick, it will take time to heal.
It took many reminders to myself that healing isn’t linear, it’s a spiral that keeps building on previous layers. Slow is not the same as stopped.
The urgency and pressure I was creating for myself in my determination were just more stressors on an already taxed nervous system.
Self-compassion
Energy is in very short supply when you’re dealing with MS. Beating yourself up burns energy you could be using to heal.
It was when I shifted from inner critic to my own personal cheerleader that real progress began. Talking to myself the way I would to my kids or my best friend created safety in my body so healing could get a foothold.
Self-compassion isn’t lowering the bar, it’s removing unnecessary weight you were never meant to carry.
Consistency
My five minute rule, which felt ridiculous at first, allowed me to prevent the crash cycle and build up strength through consistency.
Five minutes of exercise, meditation, cleaning the house, whatever. Not pushing myself to burnout, just showing up for myself day after day. Progress over perfection as a daily practice, not a bumper sticker.
Small, boring and repeatable is what actually moves the needle.
Healing is possible
Over the last decade, I’ve healed more than I ever believed possible. Not by pushing harder, but by changing my relationship with the process.
These are some of the things that helped me over time, that I wish someone had pointed out to me in the early days. If they help just one person get on the road healing a bit faster, sharing them was worth it.
What qualities do you feel are essential for healing?
Walk a Myelin My Shoes 