anxiety – Page 2 – Walk a Myelin My Shoes

Milestones and Reflections

June 27, 2019September 7, 2025 Amanda, walkamyelinmyshoes

At the beginning of June, I celebrated the first year of my blog. It was a huge step for uber-private me last year but the response once I finally faced my fear and hit publish was unreal. I can’t believe I have over 500 followers. More importantly, I can’t believe the support I’ve received and the friends I’ve made in this wonderful community. I’m so grateful. Thank you all. 💕

On this day four years ago, I received my MS diagnosis in the morning before going back to school for the last afternoon with my class. I didn’t know it would be the last afternoon I would spend as a teacher at the time.

It’s been an interesting journey, to say the least. The physical symptoms, especially the fatigue, stopped me teaching but the mental gymnastics associated with being chronically ill really stopped me in my tracks.

Fear, grief, anxiety, depression, guilt. Oh, the guilt! Learning to say ‘I can’t’ – especially to my children, forcing myself to stop when I ‘should’ get a little more done, unable to enjoy the good days because I ‘should’ be working.

I’ve learned to mostly maintain perspective when the anxiety and depression hit because I know it’s temporary, no matter how black. The fear hits pretty strongly when my body does it’s weird party tricks. (numbness, tingling, burning, buzzing, dizziness, tinnitus, spasms, trembling, pain and the fatigue that courses through my veins. #msawareness)

But life is scary for everybody in one way or another. Perspective.

The guilt has been the nastiest of the negatives. It comes up over and over and I’ve struggled to gain the same perspective, especially on the good days. I’d love so much to be back in the classroom that when the uglies lessen a bit, I forget how bad they are and feel I should at least try to go back to work. When they inevitably reappear, I remember why I can’t do the job I love so much.

Four years on, I’m done with the guilt on my good days. I won’t compromise the health I’ve regained since I stopped working by forcing myself to go back to work. And I won’t waste the bonus time I do get feeling guilty anymore, dammit! So there, MS. 🤗 From now on, I’m doing ‘jazz hands’ any time the guilt creeps in – haha!

This day marks a milestone for each of our younger children as well. After knocking our socks off at her Variety Show on Monday singing ‘Defying Gravity’ – (check out my instagram or facebook for the video), our youngest is finishing her last day at elementary school. It’s truly the end of an era, as we started there an unbelievable 15 years ago when our eldest was in kindergarten.

Our son is finishing his last day of high school, heading across the country to study Economics at Western University in September. Needless to say, we are incredibly proud of his achievements so far and excited for him, but there will be a big hole that will take getting used to. It’s all as it should be and we can’t wait to see where he goes with his life. This kid is motivated!

Finally, our eldest got her first car so ~~now we have our own taxi~~ 😉 she’s embarking on a whole new level of independence and financial responsibility. We have no doubt she’ll manage her shiny new car with her usual attention and responsibility, and have lots of great adventures in the years to come.

❤️ Amanda

Book recommendations, chronic illness, mental health

Depressed? Read this book!

January 13, 2019 Amanda, walkamyelinmyshoes

Not much to report here, except that the gnomes and ogres are still having their dance party. I’ve just tried to stay busy doing jobs around the house when the energy permits, getting outside every day, reading a ton and binge-watching Outlander in anticipation of season 4 coming out on Netflix.

I started reading a book I started in the summer, and I had to share it. If you need some perspective, and some good laughs, I highly recommend Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson. She is also known as The Bloggess and has a thing about taxidermy, as well as an interesting perspective of the world from living with mental illness her whole life.

With chapter titles like “Koalas are Full of Chlamydia” and “Voodoo Vagina”, this is not a self-help book. Yet somehow, it’s very helpful in its own bizarre way. Here are some nuggets from the sections I’ve been reading:

“My psychiatrist told me that when things get rough I should consider my battle with mental illness as if I were “exorcising a demon” and I was like, “Well, no wonder I’m failing so miserably. I’m shit at exercising.”

“Like my grandmother always said, “Your opinions are valid and important. Unless it’s some stupid bullshit you’re being shitty about, in which case you can go fuck yourself.”

“Did you know that kangaroos have three vaginas? Because they totally do and that’s probably why they’re always hitting each other. They probably have PMS every damn day of the week. But on the plus side, kangaroos have plenty of places to smuggle things, with so many holes in their bodies. In fact, they’re so full of holes it’s sort of shocking that all the kangaroo doesn’t just leak out.”

Okay, so she’s random. Maybe that’s what I’m responding to, along with her complete honesty about living with mental illness. I have tremendous empathy for people who live with mental illness throughout their lives. This is new for me, depression was not something I had experienced until two years ago, and so far it has come and gone within several weeks – fingers crossed this time. Living with this feeling day in and day out over years, takes a special kind of fortitude.

It is only in sharing our experiences and being honest that we will break the stigma of mental illness. It is the most rampant of all the invisible illnesses, and it’s time that it was taken as seriously as physical ailments. There should be no shame in admitting that you’re struggling, and it’s important to reach out and ask for help if you’re not coping. You are not alone.

Do you have any books about depression, anxiety or other mental illness that you recommend? I’d love any suggestions in the comments. Links for the book below for your convenience.

Have a wonderful week!

❤️ Amanda

Furiously Happy: A Funny Book about Horrible Things

Amazon.ca: Furiously Happy

Amazon.com: Furiously Happy

Amazon.co.uk: Furiously Happy

chronic illness, life, mental health, MS, Quotes

Pain and anxiety

November 18, 2018November 18, 2018 Amanda, walkamyelinmyshoes

I had another post scheduled for today, and then this happened…

My body has been happier for the last month or so than I remember it feeling for a few years now. My mom and I had a mostly wonderful outing to the theatre today(Saturday). We watched an incredible tribute to the phenomenal Leonard Cohen by Les Ballets Jazzs de Montreal.

Normally I print the tickets at home but for whatever reason I chose ‘pick up at box office’. We had to wait outside in the beautiful but freezing cold day (for Victoria standards – we’re wimps compared to most Canadians 😉), and by the time we got into the lobby, the MS monster was in full force.

Right or wrong, I resorted to a glass of wine which always calms the shakes and the nasty. Despite the plastic cup with a lid, I spilled all over my light purple pants. Nice. Of course, if I’d been wearing black it wouldn’t have happened. 🤣

Anyway, the following spilled out of me a few hours after I got home today. I wanted to share because I imagine it’s not an uncommon feeling. The pain’s bad enough but coupled with the anxiety of whether it’s signalling a relapse makes it almost unbearable.

I’m going to assume that when I wake in the morning, after this post is published, the monster will have retreated again and I will keep on keeping on. To all the warriors out there, I send you courage and positive vibes in the battle.

❤️ Amanda

The pain heaves my stomach and sparks my anxiety.

It’s like too much blood in my foot, pushing out against my skin.

The foot wants to fold in half too, a taco of toes.

I breathe out against the pain, hoping it’s that my shoes are too tight.

The pain gets worse lying in bed later, legs bare, unconstricted.

There’s a python in my leg, squeezing, squeezing until I can’t breathe.

I move the leg to dispel the pain but it follows me, hungry.

I reprimand the foot.

It’s the misfiring of neurons, it’s not really happening.

A futile attempt.

The pains roars louder.

I swallow the nausea, blink against the headache.

The pain runs up and down my leg, into my arm, my jaw, my shoulder, my back.

It’s everywhere.

Controlling my body and my mind, I’m lost in the misery.

Then the anxiety yells above the pain.

Is it happening?

Will I be down for the count?

Is it going to take me out for good this time?

I want to cry.

I want to hide.

I want out of this body.

I feel the grimace on my face and try to correct it with a smile.

A smile marinated in pain, a crone’s smile.

My face slackens, my mouth sliding down my chin.

The foot is sharing, pain travelling up my leg into my hip socket.

A live wire sizzling its anger from the inside.

My eyes squint, I swallow the lump of tears, blink away the moisture.

Crying won’t help, it makes the headache worse.

Lie still, lie still, breathe it away.

Shoulders tense, jaw clenched, abs contracted to hold it down.

Now the python’s in my arms too, too much blood in my whole body.

A burning tingle numbing my body and mounting my panic.

It circles my ribs.

They click together, compress my lungs.

I take a long, slow breath but my lungs won’t fill.

My tongue tingles.

I swallow the nausea again, the bile crawling up my throat.

The wrinkles deepen on my face, crevasses of pain.

The pain shoots down to my big toe, throbbing its nasty foulness.

The python circles my throat and I choke on my saliva, coughing and sputtering.

I hold my neck, coaxing the muscles to relax, the python to release its grip.

The panic screams but I have no time for that right now.

I need to breathe, to relax my body before I turn to stone.

But if I relax, the python will take over, squeezing me until I burst.

Nothing makes sense, the pain clouds reason.

No focus except stopping the python, controlling the panic.

The worry that it’s not here just for tonight.

That it wants to settle in for awhile.

Stopping my life again. Ocean, beach, waves, rocks, quote

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

life, mental health, MS, writing

Coming to terms with that bugger anxiety

September 17, 2018 Amanda, walkamyelinmyshoes

First, let me tell you that I shared more pictures of stunning Cortes Island, BC, and beautiful Hollyhock Resort where I spent four days at a writing retreat, at the bottom of this post. So, if you’re not in the mood for reading about the oh-so-fun topic of anxiety, with a side dish of introversion and MS sensory overload, scroll on down.

Ocean, beach, west coast, hollyhock resort, cortes Island, BC, blue sky, white clouds, forest, trees

Retreats are meant to be times of reflection and self-learning, right? Yeah. Nailed it. I realized that I have been in denial about having anxiety my whole life. This is not something I can blame on the monster of MS. Maybe it’s more acute now since the brain-frying relapse, but it’s how I have always been.

I have always felt inherently unlikable. Fuck. There I said it. Not to be confused with the more pathetic, whiny ‘nobody likes me’. I have a very small but very powerful group of people who like me just fine.

It’s in the unfamiliar, unscripted moments where I do every thing I know how to be friendly, open, interested and engaged (it uses a spoon just thinking about it) and most often the vibe I get is… meh. Or, I’ll talk to you until someone more interesting comes along. Or, I’ll talk to you now like we’re connecting but later I won’t even remember that I talked to you.

The questions then become: Do other people feel this way? Is this just my anxiety? Paranoia? Or am I, in fact, unlikable?

Don’t answer that.

I got called a snob as a teenager because I was so ‘shy’. Truth was, I was this weird thing called an introvert but that wasn’t a recognized thing at the time, it was called being a snob, or anti-social. That’s partly why I started self-medicating early on with drugs and alcohol. Well, and it was the 80s – age of excess.

I have learned as an adult to manage that instinctive desire to hide and forced myself to put myself out there. Knowing everyone is just as self-absorbed as I am helps – I’ll call this Exhibit A, for reasons you’ll see later. But I still find it exhausting, as all hard-core introverts do.

Then, there’s the dwindling number of spoons from being out of my routine, and the sensory issues that make my body react to the chatter of mealtime in the cafeteria like that guy in the old Operation game, except for instead of my nose – that would be unfortunate – my whole body lights up inside. It all adds up to being a tad overwhelming.

So, my body goes into self-protection mode which means withdrawing and being seen as, guess what – anti-social. I don’t want to be the person that uses my disease as an excuse but at the same time it puts limits on me over which I have no control. How to explain that to a group of strangers? Answer: Exhibit A, no one cares because everyone has their own issues.

I have a history of feeling like everyone else understands something about the world and I never got the memo. I don’t mean the existential shit, I think I have as good of a grasp on that as anyone at my age. I mean the social, human stuff. It goes back to always feeling the outsider, feeling less than, needing to excuse myself for taking up space in the world.

I thought I had a better handle on it by now.

I found myself in that classroom, with all these amazing women discussing all sorts of interesting topics and the thought of speaking up had my body vibrating and tingling in all the wrong ways. Damn nervous system.

When I did manage to pluck up the courage to say something, most often I felt like a complete idiot. Red-faced, tear off my sweater before I spontaneously combust embarrassment. Even though – Exhibit A! Note to self: nobody gives a flying fart.

What the whole experience made me realize is that I have had undiagnosed anxiety my whole life that I have, and continue to manage with drugs* and alcohol. In a much healthier way now than in my teens obviously. Promise. Usually anyway. Major lifestyle changes and the coping strategies you can only learn through experience, not to mention an amazing family, all help too.

But it’s always there. Even in the most beautiful places.

That tingly, vibrating thing I mentioned above? That has completely invaded my body in a most annoying way as I’ve written this post, along with the tears coursing down my face. Anxiety fucking sucks. MS sucks. But, do I regret putting myself out there and trying something new? Never.

Do I regret putting this post out there, at the risk that someone answers ‘that’ question? That remains to be seen. 😉 If even one person can relate to just one part of what I’ve spilled here, it’s worth it.

Whenever I feel like things get too overwhelming, and I need to force myself into the present, I think ‘just put one foot in front of the other‘. Did you hear the song from the Santa Claus Is Coming To Town movie when you read that, or is it just me – the Christmas and musical geek? 🤓😊 Putting on my headphones and listening to music always helps too. Spotify is my new favourite app.

I would, of course, welcome any comments, answers, illuminations, wisdom, advice, input. More pictures below.

Have a wonderful week!

❤️ Amanda

Here are some articles you might find useful if, like me, you sometimes feel you were dropped here from another planet. My results from the anxiety assessment were surprising, and yet not.

15 Signs That You’re An Introvert With High-Functioning Anxiety

Anxiety in MS: Frequently Overlooked and Undetected

MS and Anxiety – free anxiety assessment

Marijuana And Meditation May Both Reduce Anxiety. Which Is Better?

*Cannabis aka marijuana aka weed aka pot aka ganja, etc is known as a tribal medicine for multiple sclerosis. Meaning MS was one of the first diseases to be recognized as gaining relief from its use. All I can say is I’m grateful that I’ve lived to see the day that it is legal and the medical community is finally starting to recognize the powerful benefits of this natural remedy. But that’s another post.

Garden, flowers, vegetables, west coast, hollyhock resort — The garden at Hollyhock is stunning and provides many fresh ingredients for the delicious meals.

Health, life, MS

Anxiety : Depression’s partner-in-crime

July 30, 2018July 30, 2018 Amanda, walkamyelinmyshoes

Walking the tightrope of ms relapse prevention and symptom management while juggling life stress, heat intolerance, sensory overload, the ogre of depression and its craptastic partner-in-crime, anxiety.

We spent an incredible weekend in Vancouver, going to see the Psychedelic Furs, a band I started listening to in 1985, the year I met my husband. Nostalgia aside, they were maybe not the most exciting live band but we had a whole second show play out in front of us. It ended with a very eccentric, obnoxious man throwing his drink in his ex’s face, spraying all of us nearby. Oh, the drama.

Going to Vancouver usually stresses me out with all the traffic, the dreaded George Massey tunnel, the smells, the noise, the people everywhere. The chaotic energy of a big city is exhausting but it’s worth it to spend a night away watching live music with my husband.

This time traffic was mellow, even on a weekend at the height of summer. Everything fell into place beautifully everywhere we went so there was little stress and the monster was quiet so I felt pretty great, all things considered. Happy hour cocktails at the Cactus Club may have helped a bit, too. 🍹

Even the drive back out to the ferry, because we left the city early and went to check out the new mall, Tsawwassen Mills, was a fun, stress-free adventure. I’m not a mall rat and typically think a mall is a mall is a mall but they have done a very thoughtful job of incorporating First Nations artwork and unique elements that make walking around the ginormous space a mall experience unlike any I’ve had before.

Part of the joy of being an island-dweller is the hurry-up-and-wait experience of riding the ferry. I’m mostly patient and can amuse myself pretty easily but we all know how hot this summer has been in the northern hemisphere. Sitting in a truck on the end of a man-made jetty covered in concrete, full of metal cars and huge semi-trailers is a special kind of torture for every traveller.

Heat sensitivity is a common symptom of multiple sclerosis. Being the annoying mofo that it is, my body can tolerate heat or cold just fine most of the time. Until it suddenly can’t and all hell breaks loose. I think my thermostat’s broken.

So, my sweater is hanging off the sun visor shielding my body from the sun, doors and windows all open to catch the cool ocean breeze, all is well. Then the wind dies, the sun’s still beating down on me through the side window and a mushroom cloud of heat wafts up from the pavement.

Knock knock. Who’s there?

Hot, too hot.

Brain frying, can’t think

Panic starts, ears ringing.

Hello Anxiety.

Anxiety is another special gift the monster has given me in the last few years. It is closely related to depression in that they share the all-encompassing feeling of doom. The only thing that makes it controllable is knowing that it is a result of the damage in my brain, it is not real.

On the tarmac, I ended up going into the relative cool of the marketplace, to be faced with all the other overheated humans seeking relief.

Hello Sensory overload.

Tune it out. Blinders on. Focus on stationary objects.

Jewelry. Oh, pretty. Slowly inspect.

Cool down. Calm down.

Sea salt scrub. 50% off. Sure!

Hot, too many people.

Stuffy. Loud. Too much.

When I got back to the car, we had the bright idea of using the air-conditioning. Oh, sweet relief! I don’t love idling a car for any longer than necessary but when it comes to being either environmentally responsible or saving my brain and body from total meltdown, I will be unapologetically selfish. Please remember this if you’re tempted to judge someone for idling their car in the future. It can be a case of life or death for some people in this kind of heat.

People always worry about the dogs but, you know, humans.

Just after we boarded, a camper van got stuck partway on to the ferry, delaying the other cars and ultimately, our departure as they eventually had to back off the ramp. I could feel the spinny, bubbly feeling beginning again in my head that happens when my thermostat’s awry and I overheat. Then, anxiety prickled its knives that I was stuck in this hot car with no air moving for who knows how long and idling your car on the ferry isn’t an option, so no air conditioning.

Sensory overload or not, up I go just until the boat starts moving. Normally we stay in the car the whole time to avoid the crowds as I’ve always had enough after two days in Vancouver but again my thermostat was in control. I go up the stairs straight into the line-up already building for the buffet.

I quickly veer myself into the small hallway by the chief steward’s office and prop myself against a window, watching the hordes of people boarding and lining up. I try to enjoy the enthusiasm of the young Japanese tourists on a ferry for the first time. Their excitement is adorable and appreciated.

Then they swarm around me to look out the window and take pictures. Of the ugly piers.

Over my head.

Okay. Breathe.

They’re gone.

Another group.

Wait. Breathe. The ferry will be moving soon.

One window further over. Look out at the water.

See the diamonds dropped by the sun

Sparkling all over the water.

A bird, diving.

When will the boat move?

Look back at the growing noise.

Buffet line has sealed off my exit.

Swallow down the fear.

Irrational.

Line will move. Boat will move. Time will move.

Please move!!!

Breathe.

Just breathe.

I am only grappling with one tentacle of the octopus of anxiety. Many people are paralyzed in their lives, unable to function because they are crippled by the many facets of this mental monster. Yet again, there is still such a stigma about mental illness. I wanted to share a small glimpse into what the experience is like for me, just to open the discussion and share information to spread awareness.

Thanks so much for stopping by. I always appreciate any comments or insights about my posts but if you’ve taken the time to read it at all, I am honoured, and I appreciate it so much.

Have a wonderful week!

❤️ Amanda

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15 Signs That You’re An Introvert With High-Functioning Anxiety

Anxiety in MS: Frequently Overlooked and Undetected

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