Tag: blogging

life

Endings and beginnings

Amanda, walkamyelinmyshoes

He’s off. Settled. Installed at university – across the country.

I’m always a proud Mama, and never more so than when my son was accepted into one of the top universities in Canada. The fact that it’s four provinces (4029km/2504miles) away, is something I have been digesting, with a smile on my face, for months.

I’ve just returned from a four day trip to get him organized and set up in residence. It was one of the most wonderful, but more emotionally challenging experiences I’ve had in motherhood.

He’s doing exactly what he should be doing, moving into the next phase of his life with the skills, values and independence I’ve worked to instill in all my children.

But hugging him goodbye and having to leave him there, no matter that I know he’ll do great and be just fine, was almost as hard as when I had to leave him in the OR for surgery on his broken leg when he was six.

I sucked it up (mostly – poor Uber dude) until I hit my hotel room. It was only in writing out all the fantastic details of the day in my journal that I got a handle on the Snuffluffagus tears. Writing is therapy.

I flew out so early the next morning, I was hardly conscious. I was one of the last to board the plane, psyched to have an aisle seat near the front. The middle seat was empty and I thought I had it made, despite the huge manspreader in the window seat. (wtf is up with that???)

Then a young mother boarded with her 9 month old baby boy, and smiled at me apologetically. I jumped up to let them in, remembering well my many trips with young kids and the obvious looks of horror from fellow passengers, then realized the father was there too. I offered to move but they said he was in the middle seat at the back of the plane. Yeah – not happening.

I was happy to help her out and thrilled to hold the little monkey. He was such a happy guy, with a shock of blond hair, huge blue eyes and a ready smile.

Then a three year old boy walked up the aisle and spotted the baby. He stood and gazed at him with such fascination for ages, it was adorable.

Do you see the pattern here? Okay, Universe!!!

I didn’t let myself say the usual, ‘it goes by so fast’, ‘appreciate every moment, even the most frustrating ‘, ‘you never get this time back’.

I didn’t want to be that person.

It’s all true though, but you can’t really understand it until you live it. Like everything in life.

I lost it a bit a couple of times on the way home, but walking up to the house was really weird. He’s not just out, he’s away.

So sniffling away in my bedroom, I pulled out my phone, and there was a text from my boy.

I thought you should know, I had tomatoes for lunch.

😂😂😂 Thank god for technology.

And perspective – he’s only away at school, he hasn’t moved out! Home for a visit in two months!

This is not the end of anything, it’s the beginning of everything.

❤️ Amanda

chronic illness, life, Poetry

Voodoo Doll: MS Awareness

Amanda, walkamyelinmyshoes

Huge stakes pierce my heels

Burning red hot fire

Millions of minuscule knives

Flay the insides of my feet

A giant vegetable peeler slices off

The bottoms

*

I’m sorry to those I squashed

Those I looked down upon

From any temporary high ground

I believed I held

I am your voodoo doll

And you will have your revenge

Over and over

*

The burning piercing spreads

To hands, up legs, then forearms

Who needs to work on abs

When they stay contracted constantly

Holding in the moans

And the nausea from the pain?

*

I’m sorry to those I squashed

Those I looked down upon

From any temporary high ground

I believed I held

I am your voodoo doll

And you will have your revenge

Over and over

I don’t really believe that my chronic illness is a matter of revenge, but it’s an easy trap to fall into when I’m trying to pretend all is well but the pain is overwhelming. I think of myself as a kind person but I know in my past immature, insecure life I wasn’t always the best person I could be. However, we can only go forward and try to do better.

Kindness is the answer.

❤️ Amanda

chronic illness, life, mental health

Milestones and Reflections

Amanda, walkamyelinmyshoes

At the beginning of June, I celebrated the first year of my blog. It was a huge step for uber-private me last year but the response once I finally faced my fear and hit publish was unreal. I can’t believe I have over 500 followers. More importantly, I can’t believe the support I’ve received and the friends I’ve made in this wonderful community. I’m so grateful. Thank you all. 💕

On this day four years ago, I received my MS diagnosis in the morning before going back to school for the last afternoon with my class. I didn’t know it would be the last afternoon I would spend as a teacher at the time.

It’s been an interesting journey, to say the least. The physical symptoms, especially the fatigue, stopped me teaching but the mental gymnastics associated with being chronically ill really stopped me in my tracks.

Fear, grief, anxiety, depression, guilt. Oh, the guilt! Learning to say ‘I can’t’ – especially to my children, forcing myself to stop when I ‘should’ get a little more done, unable to enjoy the good days because I ‘should’ be working.

I’ve learned to mostly maintain perspective when the anxiety and depression hit because I know it’s temporary, no matter how black. The fear hits pretty strongly when my body does it’s weird party tricks. (numbness, tingling, burning, buzzing, dizziness, tinnitus, spasms, trembling, pain and the fatigue that courses through my veins. #msawareness)

But life is scary for everybody in one way or another. Perspective.

The guilt has been the nastiest of the negatives. It comes up over and over and I’ve struggled to gain the same perspective, especially on the good days. I’d love so much to be back in the classroom that when the uglies lessen a bit, I forget how bad they are and feel I should at least try to go back to work. When they inevitably reappear, I remember why I can’t do the job I love so much.

Four years on, I’m done with the guilt on my good days. I won’t compromise the health I’ve regained since I stopped working by forcing myself to go back to work. And I won’t waste the bonus time I do get feeling guilty anymore, dammit! So there, MS. 🤗 From now on, I’m doing ‘jazz hands’ any time the guilt creeps in – haha!

This day marks a milestone for each of our younger children as well. After knocking our socks off at her Variety Show on Monday singing ‘Defying Gravity’ – (check out my instagram or facebook for the video), our youngest is finishing her last day at elementary school. It’s truly the end of an era, as we started there an unbelievable 15 years ago when our eldest was in kindergarten.

Our son is finishing his last day of high school, heading across the country to study Economics at Western University in September. Needless to say, we are incredibly proud of his achievements so far and excited for him, but there will be a big hole that will take getting used to. It’s all as it should be and we can’t wait to see where he goes with his life. This kid is motivated!

Finally, our eldest got her first car so now we have our own taxi 😉 she’s embarking on a whole new level of independence and financial responsibility. We have no doubt she’ll manage her shiny new car with her usual attention and responsibility, and have lots of great adventures in the years to come.

❤️ Amanda

chronic illness, life, writing

It’s October!!!

Amanda, walkamyelinmyshoes
Callie’s grateful for her new sleeping platform in the garden.

The month of Canadian Thanksgiving. So, because there are too many things going on right now for me to focus and write an earth-changing blog post😉, I am going to list some of the things I am grateful for:

Our youngest child’s 10th birthday tomorrow. She’ll be getting her ears pierced, just like I did on my tenth birthday, as did her sister.

Her role as a Party Child in The Nutcracker with the Royal Winnipeg Ballet!

Our oldest daughter thriving in the music program at college.

Our son blowing our minds with his knowledge and dedication to learning all about trading – at 16.

Beautiful new raised beds letting me experiment finally with square foot gardening.

Finally making some progress towards our bathroom renovation. It has been years since we could use our bathtub – long story.

Finishing my first draft!!! With thanks to C.S. Lakin at Live Write Thrive for providing the free resources that helped make it possible.

Finding this story workbook tutorial by Stephanie Morrill at GoTeenWriters.com (yes, I’m in denial – don’t bust me!) that makes me feel like I have a direction for a second draft in time for Nanowrimo.

The monster being more or less quiet – or maybe I’m just getting used to it. At the very least, I’m not letting the MS control me like it used to.

There is so much to be thankful for! Mostly, I am grateful to my family and friends and all the amazing people I’ve connected with since I started this blog in June.

I’m just going to leave this lovely lady right here, in the spirit of the season. Check out the dude on her stomach!!

Spider on a web

Have a wonderful week!

❤️ Amanda

life, MS

Pacing: Whoa, Nelly or Go, Nelly?

Amanda, walkamyelinmyshoes

Last week, I posted about resting and the importance of taking the time for self-care without feeling guilty. It’s a common problem in our go-go-go world, where there are always errands to run, household chores to get through, work to do, exercise hopefully, eating right, not to mention connecting with family and friends.

It’s not surprising that the mindfulness movement is gaining traction. People are burning themselves out and have forgotten how to be still. How to just BE.

I am so fortunate to have the support and the space to rest when I need to and to have lots of time, now that I’m not working, to spend time reflecting and contemplating my navel. Not really, I promise.

When your body aches from fatigue, it’s pretty tempting to sit around as much as possible. The mental stress aside, spending too much time sedentary is really hard on your body, especially if you have MS. Obviously I’m not talking about people that are in a relapse or are paralyzed from the monster.

Being as active as possible is now the recommendation of doctors, which applies to all humans, not just warriors and spoonies. It works for me. It takes me a long time to get moving in the morning, but when I spend too much time in bed, the weight of the fatigue and the various pains become overwhelming. Forcing myself to get up and accomplish just one task, distracts me and often I am able to accomplish much more than I expected.

That’s where the real problem comes in. I start going, and I have a hard time stopping. My body protests but my brain, and the stupid determination that has mostly served me well, says ‘Just. One. More. Thing.’

All good, we all need to push ourselves, that’s the human spirit. Not so good when your body ends up going on strike and you spend the next three weeks in bed. Yeah, I think that’s called a need for BALANCE.

The hummingbird has long been a personal symbol. I remember the first time I saw one as a child in Alberta, where they are quite rare as I recall. It was magical, this tiny bird with wings that moved at an incomprehensible speed.

I found out as an adult that my Oma loved hummingbirds too. Since she died, I have had numerous experiences with a hummingbird flying directly in front of me and hovering for a minute or more, often at times of personal change or turmoil.

I think the reason it speaks to me, is that the wings represent the speed of my brain. Not that I haven’t learned to quiet my thoughts and have moments of peace, but when I get going on a task my brain is always ten steps ahead of what’s humanly possible. Then, because of the damn monster, my body konks out long before my brain is satisfied.

The hummingbird’s body always stays calm, though. That’s the essence of the hummingbird I try to focus on now. The balance between the busy and the calm. Push yourself, but don’t push too hard. Expect great things from yourself but be gentle with yourself too. Pacing yourself, that’s the golden ticket.

Have a wonderful week!

❤️ Amanda